Day 16 (Lexapro)

Despite the higher dosage, I haven't felt any nausea to speak of today. Which I will take as a good sign for now.

I don't know if these next few days are going to be any sort of valid indicator of my mood on these things as I plan on being cooped up in my apartment (as I was today) watching my seasons of the West Wing and making sure my dog doesn't lick her stitches from getting fixed yesterday. But I'll try to keep writing anyways, just for continuity.

I'm also having some sinus drainage/headache/blockage, so that's fun. However, Advil cold & sinus and vitamin C drops seem to be keeping it under control, which is nice.


If I had to report some sort of change in my depression level, I guess I could say that the "base line" has lifted a little. Nothing really significant, but it's noticable. A start.


I'm scared that I'll start feeling better like I did when I first started Prozac and then the apathy will set in. And then I'll have to deal with the apathy for the rest of this part of the study (8 more weeks at this point).

On the other hand if the Lexapro works beautifully for me then I am out of the study in 8 weeks and then need to find a new mental health care provider. which sucks.

If you've ever dealt with depression you know how hard it is to talk about it. I mean really talk about it. Talk about it in the way a health care provider needs you to talk about it. You know how hard it is to fill out the questionnaires and talk about how long you've felt the way you feel and why you think you might feel that way.

For me reliving the last four years in snippets of all the bad. all the pain. all the stress. all the anxiety. It's facing the fact that my mother's side of the family has a very real history of mental illness. It's facing my fears that one day my mind could snap, and I could end up like one of my two uncles who have to be cared for because they can't fully care for themselves.

Once you get in a rhythm with someone it's okay. They know what's up, they know the questions they need to ask and what your answers mean.

Letting someone new into the recesses of my thoughts and feelings face to face is damn hard.

Writing is easier. it's faceless, voiceless, and if you write in private nobody sees you cry.

weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated
possible medication side effects: sedation