I'm sorry if you've missed my daily (or not so daily) updates. I'll try to do them at least a little more frequently.
Third clinic visit was last Tuesday. I answered the questions, and generally told them that I have been feeling like my base level mood has been better.
Nurse asked me when the last time I felt not depressed was. I told her it was for a while when I was on prozac...before the apathy set in and I didn't really feel anything unless I felt it in a huge way. RL thought it would be cute to share with me that people ask her all the time how she can work with depressed people all day, and that she tells them "they aren't always depressed, they get better." Instead of making me feel better it made me feel the fact that I'm one of those depressed people.
The week leading up to third clinic visit I did feel like my general mood was lifted a bit. It was for the days following the visit as well. Friday was sooo good. I got off work early, I went to a party, I had a great time, met some new people, had good conversation...I felt great. Until Saturday night. I don't know why. Maybe it was a few rude customers, maybe it was just the end of a tiring week, but Saturday night my mood crashed. Today has been rough.
Nurse has upped my dosage to 20mg of Lexapro a day. For some reason she gave me my samples in a different package than the previous times. Since I have to take two of them now (2 10mg pills= 20mg a day) plus my birth control it's easier to get them sorted at the beginning of the week into one of those day of the week pill box things. Well I was doing that a few minutes ago and noticed that the package she gave me has the contact information for some society or association with the term "mental illness" in its name. Seeing that stung. made me remember stutter man, weepy waiting room girl, and sobbing woman. I'm in a catagory with them. My medication just told me so.
I think tomorrow when I go for my 4th clinic visit I'll have to circle a different answer under the question about my feelings of self worth.
weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated, feeling that I am worth less than my peers
possible medication side effects: sedation
Showing posts with label Prozac. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prozac. Show all posts
Monday, October 20, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Day 16 (Lexapro)
Despite the higher dosage, I haven't felt any nausea to speak of today. Which I will take as a good sign for now.
I don't know if these next few days are going to be any sort of valid indicator of my mood on these things as I plan on being cooped up in my apartment (as I was today) watching my seasons of the West Wing and making sure my dog doesn't lick her stitches from getting fixed yesterday. But I'll try to keep writing anyways, just for continuity.
I'm also having some sinus drainage/headache/blockage, so that's fun. However, Advil cold & sinus and vitamin C drops seem to be keeping it under control, which is nice.
If I had to report some sort of change in my depression level, I guess I could say that the "base line" has lifted a little. Nothing really significant, but it's noticable. A start.
I'm scared that I'll start feeling better like I did when I first started Prozac and then the apathy will set in. And then I'll have to deal with the apathy for the rest of this part of the study (8 more weeks at this point).
On the other hand if the Lexapro works beautifully for me then I am out of the study in 8 weeks and then need to find a new mental health care provider. which sucks.
If you've ever dealt with depression you know how hard it is to talk about it. I mean really talk about it. Talk about it in the way a health care provider needs you to talk about it. You know how hard it is to fill out the questionnaires and talk about how long you've felt the way you feel and why you think you might feel that way.
For me reliving the last four years in snippets of all the bad. all the pain. all the stress. all the anxiety. It's facing the fact that my mother's side of the family has a very real history of mental illness. It's facing my fears that one day my mind could snap, and I could end up like one of my two uncles who have to be cared for because they can't fully care for themselves.
Once you get in a rhythm with someone it's okay. They know what's up, they know the questions they need to ask and what your answers mean.
Letting someone new into the recesses of my thoughts and feelings face to face is damn hard.
Writing is easier. it's faceless, voiceless, and if you write in private nobody sees you cry.
weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated
possible medication side effects: sedation
I don't know if these next few days are going to be any sort of valid indicator of my mood on these things as I plan on being cooped up in my apartment (as I was today) watching my seasons of the West Wing and making sure my dog doesn't lick her stitches from getting fixed yesterday. But I'll try to keep writing anyways, just for continuity.
I'm also having some sinus drainage/headache/blockage, so that's fun. However, Advil cold & sinus and vitamin C drops seem to be keeping it under control, which is nice.
If I had to report some sort of change in my depression level, I guess I could say that the "base line" has lifted a little. Nothing really significant, but it's noticable. A start.
I'm scared that I'll start feeling better like I did when I first started Prozac and then the apathy will set in. And then I'll have to deal with the apathy for the rest of this part of the study (8 more weeks at this point).
On the other hand if the Lexapro works beautifully for me then I am out of the study in 8 weeks and then need to find a new mental health care provider. which sucks.
If you've ever dealt with depression you know how hard it is to talk about it. I mean really talk about it. Talk about it in the way a health care provider needs you to talk about it. You know how hard it is to fill out the questionnaires and talk about how long you've felt the way you feel and why you think you might feel that way.
For me reliving the last four years in snippets of all the bad. all the pain. all the stress. all the anxiety. It's facing the fact that my mother's side of the family has a very real history of mental illness. It's facing my fears that one day my mind could snap, and I could end up like one of my two uncles who have to be cared for because they can't fully care for themselves.
Once you get in a rhythm with someone it's okay. They know what's up, they know the questions they need to ask and what your answers mean.
Letting someone new into the recesses of my thoughts and feelings face to face is damn hard.
Writing is easier. it's faceless, voiceless, and if you write in private nobody sees you cry.
weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated
possible medication side effects: sedation
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
About the Study
I'm a guinea pig. A lab rat. A test subject.
I am 22 years old, female, Caucasian, and have clinical depression.
I was on Prozac for about 5 months, but instead of making me feel better about myself and raising my motivation, it made me feel completely apathetic. I wasn't sad, but I also wasn't functioning. So in February of this year (2008) I took myself off of Prozac. I have not had any sort of treatment for my depression since then.
Last week I saw a commercial about a study on depression that was looking for participants.
I e-mailed them.
They called me.
I had my first evaluation.
I'm in the study.
Here's the information about the study I have entered as posted on an information website:
Are you currently depressed? This is a study using an add-on treatment to see if it may reduce your symptoms of depression. We will watch to see how you do on an SSRI. Then we may add another medication to boost its effects.
If this study is right for you, you may receive at no cost:
• study medications
• physical exam
• 20 clinic visits
• and other study related procedures.
The study lasts up to 16 months. This study is funded by the National Institute of Mental Health. Participants needed: Depressed men and women age 18 – 80
Compensation: Services above at no cost
Visits: 20 visits over 16 months
and here is my version of the study, from what "Research Lady" told me over the phone:
The study is in 3 phases.
The first phase: I have a long psychiatric evaluation (check!). If they think I am a good fit for the study they send me home with a depression medication called Lexapro (check!). I'll be on this medication for 10 weeks in the first phase, and each week I will have an appointment where they see how I am doing on the medication. If the Lexapro works great for me over the 10 weeks then they will help me find a way to continue taking the Lexapro outside of the study (through a doctor they get me in contact with, or whatever). If the Lexapro isn't doing as much for me as it should, they I will enter phase 2 of the study.
Phase 2: they do some physical tests (like an EKG, blood tests, etc) to make sure I don't have any physical causes of my depression, and if I don't they add either a placebo or a medicine called Geodon to my dose of Lexapro. Geodon is currently used for bipolar disorder and schitzophrenia, but they are testing to see if it helps people who aren't responding to regular depression medications. I stay on that combo for 10 weeks, with the same weekly visits to see how it is working. If the combo works for me, they I enter phase 3.
Phase 3: I continue taking the combo as part of the study for a year, with a monthly visit to make sure it is still working well for me.
I can withdrawl from the study at any time, and they also reserve the right to withdrawl me from the study if they think it is in my best interest. All of the evaluations, procedures, and medications involved in the study are free.
This blog is for me. It is for me to be honest about how I am feeling each day to see how the medicine is affecting me. But I invite you to come along. Follow me. Encourage me. Tell me if you see patterns in thoughts or behaviors that I may not see. Help me be the best guinea pig I can be.
I am 22 years old, female, Caucasian, and have clinical depression.
I was on Prozac for about 5 months, but instead of making me feel better about myself and raising my motivation, it made me feel completely apathetic. I wasn't sad, but I also wasn't functioning. So in February of this year (2008) I took myself off of Prozac. I have not had any sort of treatment for my depression since then.
Last week I saw a commercial about a study on depression that was looking for participants.
I e-mailed them.
They called me.
I had my first evaluation.
I'm in the study.
Here's the information about the study I have entered as posted on an information website:
Are you currently depressed? This is a study using an add-on treatment to see if it may reduce your symptoms of depression. We will watch to see how you do on an SSRI. Then we may add another medication to boost its effects.
If this study is right for you, you may receive at no cost:
• study medications
• physical exam
• 20 clinic visits
• and other study related procedures.
The study lasts up to 16 months. This study is funded by the National Institute of Mental Health. Participants needed: Depressed men and women age 18 – 80
Compensation: Services above at no cost
Visits: 20 visits over 16 months
and here is my version of the study, from what "Research Lady" told me over the phone:
The study is in 3 phases.
The first phase: I have a long psychiatric evaluation (check!). If they think I am a good fit for the study they send me home with a depression medication called Lexapro (check!). I'll be on this medication for 10 weeks in the first phase, and each week I will have an appointment where they see how I am doing on the medication. If the Lexapro works great for me over the 10 weeks then they will help me find a way to continue taking the Lexapro outside of the study (through a doctor they get me in contact with, or whatever). If the Lexapro isn't doing as much for me as it should, they I will enter phase 2 of the study.
Phase 2: they do some physical tests (like an EKG, blood tests, etc) to make sure I don't have any physical causes of my depression, and if I don't they add either a placebo or a medicine called Geodon to my dose of Lexapro. Geodon is currently used for bipolar disorder and schitzophrenia, but they are testing to see if it helps people who aren't responding to regular depression medications. I stay on that combo for 10 weeks, with the same weekly visits to see how it is working. If the combo works for me, they I enter phase 3.
Phase 3: I continue taking the combo as part of the study for a year, with a monthly visit to make sure it is still working well for me.
I can withdrawl from the study at any time, and they also reserve the right to withdrawl me from the study if they think it is in my best interest. All of the evaluations, procedures, and medications involved in the study are free.
This blog is for me. It is for me to be honest about how I am feeling each day to see how the medicine is affecting me. But I invite you to come along. Follow me. Encourage me. Tell me if you see patterns in thoughts or behaviors that I may not see. Help me be the best guinea pig I can be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
