I always find it interesting how people ask sensitive questions. One of the things they ask me during my clinic visits while asking about different side effects I could experience is if I am still as interested in sex as usual. Which is kind of awkward, for obvious reasons. RL just does in nonchalantly, one in a string of side effect questions which also include gas and belching. I like that about her. For as personable as she is outside the question asking, the questions are just a list, I just give answers, and we move on. I like it. makes it not awkward if I have to tell her that yes, I did have some gas this week, and I am indeed as interested in sex as I usually am.
The male nurse (saw him yesterday instead of lady nurse for some reason) is not so good at this. He asks me all his questions, how I'm feeling, how my irritation is, blah blah blah, don't be discouraged that you are back to feeling like you did in the beginning...and then he lays this on me "oh, i guess one thing I should ask you is if you are as interested in sex as usual." *awkward pause as he looks at me and not his clipboard of note* "um, yeah."
I like how RL does it a LOT better. lol
Both RL and male nurse gave me a talk about not getting discouraged because the medicine isn't working as well as they like it to at this point. This is week 5 of the study, which means come clinic visit #5 I will be half way done with Part 1. RL reminded me that if the Lexapro doesn't work then there is a second part.
I know this, but it is nice to be encouraged, and especially to be told that it seems that RL's patients are all either (like me) not really responding to the medicine right now, or they are feeling better than they have ever felt. So I guess that makes me feel more normal.
Alright, off to shower, take my pills, and go to work! Another day on 20mg of Lexapro.
weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated, feeling that I am worth less than my peers
possible medication side effects: gas
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Day 17-27 (Lexapro), Clinic Visit 3, I suck at updating
I'm sorry if you've missed my daily (or not so daily) updates. I'll try to do them at least a little more frequently.
Third clinic visit was last Tuesday. I answered the questions, and generally told them that I have been feeling like my base level mood has been better.
Nurse asked me when the last time I felt not depressed was. I told her it was for a while when I was on prozac...before the apathy set in and I didn't really feel anything unless I felt it in a huge way. RL thought it would be cute to share with me that people ask her all the time how she can work with depressed people all day, and that she tells them "they aren't always depressed, they get better." Instead of making me feel better it made me feel the fact that I'm one of those depressed people.
The week leading up to third clinic visit I did feel like my general mood was lifted a bit. It was for the days following the visit as well. Friday was sooo good. I got off work early, I went to a party, I had a great time, met some new people, had good conversation...I felt great. Until Saturday night. I don't know why. Maybe it was a few rude customers, maybe it was just the end of a tiring week, but Saturday night my mood crashed. Today has been rough.
Nurse has upped my dosage to 20mg of Lexapro a day. For some reason she gave me my samples in a different package than the previous times. Since I have to take two of them now (2 10mg pills= 20mg a day) plus my birth control it's easier to get them sorted at the beginning of the week into one of those day of the week pill box things. Well I was doing that a few minutes ago and noticed that the package she gave me has the contact information for some society or association with the term "mental illness" in its name. Seeing that stung. made me remember stutter man, weepy waiting room girl, and sobbing woman. I'm in a catagory with them. My medication just told me so.
I think tomorrow when I go for my 4th clinic visit I'll have to circle a different answer under the question about my feelings of self worth.
weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated, feeling that I am worth less than my peers
possible medication side effects: sedation
Third clinic visit was last Tuesday. I answered the questions, and generally told them that I have been feeling like my base level mood has been better.
Nurse asked me when the last time I felt not depressed was. I told her it was for a while when I was on prozac...before the apathy set in and I didn't really feel anything unless I felt it in a huge way. RL thought it would be cute to share with me that people ask her all the time how she can work with depressed people all day, and that she tells them "they aren't always depressed, they get better." Instead of making me feel better it made me feel the fact that I'm one of those depressed people.
The week leading up to third clinic visit I did feel like my general mood was lifted a bit. It was for the days following the visit as well. Friday was sooo good. I got off work early, I went to a party, I had a great time, met some new people, had good conversation...I felt great. Until Saturday night. I don't know why. Maybe it was a few rude customers, maybe it was just the end of a tiring week, but Saturday night my mood crashed. Today has been rough.
Nurse has upped my dosage to 20mg of Lexapro a day. For some reason she gave me my samples in a different package than the previous times. Since I have to take two of them now (2 10mg pills= 20mg a day) plus my birth control it's easier to get them sorted at the beginning of the week into one of those day of the week pill box things. Well I was doing that a few minutes ago and noticed that the package she gave me has the contact information for some society or association with the term "mental illness" in its name. Seeing that stung. made me remember stutter man, weepy waiting room girl, and sobbing woman. I'm in a catagory with them. My medication just told me so.
I think tomorrow when I go for my 4th clinic visit I'll have to circle a different answer under the question about my feelings of self worth.
weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated, feeling that I am worth less than my peers
possible medication side effects: sedation
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Day 16 (Lexapro)
Despite the higher dosage, I haven't felt any nausea to speak of today. Which I will take as a good sign for now.
I don't know if these next few days are going to be any sort of valid indicator of my mood on these things as I plan on being cooped up in my apartment (as I was today) watching my seasons of the West Wing and making sure my dog doesn't lick her stitches from getting fixed yesterday. But I'll try to keep writing anyways, just for continuity.
I'm also having some sinus drainage/headache/blockage, so that's fun. However, Advil cold & sinus and vitamin C drops seem to be keeping it under control, which is nice.
If I had to report some sort of change in my depression level, I guess I could say that the "base line" has lifted a little. Nothing really significant, but it's noticable. A start.
I'm scared that I'll start feeling better like I did when I first started Prozac and then the apathy will set in. And then I'll have to deal with the apathy for the rest of this part of the study (8 more weeks at this point).
On the other hand if the Lexapro works beautifully for me then I am out of the study in 8 weeks and then need to find a new mental health care provider. which sucks.
If you've ever dealt with depression you know how hard it is to talk about it. I mean really talk about it. Talk about it in the way a health care provider needs you to talk about it. You know how hard it is to fill out the questionnaires and talk about how long you've felt the way you feel and why you think you might feel that way.
For me reliving the last four years in snippets of all the bad. all the pain. all the stress. all the anxiety. It's facing the fact that my mother's side of the family has a very real history of mental illness. It's facing my fears that one day my mind could snap, and I could end up like one of my two uncles who have to be cared for because they can't fully care for themselves.
Once you get in a rhythm with someone it's okay. They know what's up, they know the questions they need to ask and what your answers mean.
Letting someone new into the recesses of my thoughts and feelings face to face is damn hard.
Writing is easier. it's faceless, voiceless, and if you write in private nobody sees you cry.
weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated
possible medication side effects: sedation
I don't know if these next few days are going to be any sort of valid indicator of my mood on these things as I plan on being cooped up in my apartment (as I was today) watching my seasons of the West Wing and making sure my dog doesn't lick her stitches from getting fixed yesterday. But I'll try to keep writing anyways, just for continuity.
I'm also having some sinus drainage/headache/blockage, so that's fun. However, Advil cold & sinus and vitamin C drops seem to be keeping it under control, which is nice.
If I had to report some sort of change in my depression level, I guess I could say that the "base line" has lifted a little. Nothing really significant, but it's noticable. A start.
I'm scared that I'll start feeling better like I did when I first started Prozac and then the apathy will set in. And then I'll have to deal with the apathy for the rest of this part of the study (8 more weeks at this point).
On the other hand if the Lexapro works beautifully for me then I am out of the study in 8 weeks and then need to find a new mental health care provider. which sucks.
If you've ever dealt with depression you know how hard it is to talk about it. I mean really talk about it. Talk about it in the way a health care provider needs you to talk about it. You know how hard it is to fill out the questionnaires and talk about how long you've felt the way you feel and why you think you might feel that way.
For me reliving the last four years in snippets of all the bad. all the pain. all the stress. all the anxiety. It's facing the fact that my mother's side of the family has a very real history of mental illness. It's facing my fears that one day my mind could snap, and I could end up like one of my two uncles who have to be cared for because they can't fully care for themselves.
Once you get in a rhythm with someone it's okay. They know what's up, they know the questions they need to ask and what your answers mean.
Letting someone new into the recesses of my thoughts and feelings face to face is damn hard.
Writing is easier. it's faceless, voiceless, and if you write in private nobody sees you cry.
weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated
possible medication side effects: sedation
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Clinic Visit #2/ Day 15 (Lexapro)
Today I overheard someone at the desk in the Psychiatric services waiting room that made me very glad the only disorder I suffer from is depression. He sounded exactly like this guy, except he was setting up his next appointment and asking about his medicine (and he wasn't British):
Other than listening to him try to discourse with the receptionist, and wondering briefly what he does for a living (he was dressed in khaki's, white button down, tie, jacket, and fedora type hat...any guesses?), Clinic Visit #2 was business as usual:
Told receptionist I was there to see RL, went back to the tiny waiting room, RL came and got me, filled out 2 page survey, was asked the same questions as last time, sent back to tiny waiting room, waited 30 minutes, Nurse came to get me, asked me about side effects, gave me my samples, sent me on my way.
Nurse changed me from 10mg Lexapro a day to 15mg Lexapro. Which means I get to use a pill cutter every two days to cut a 10mg tablet into a 5mg tablet. She says she's taking me up only 5mg to hopefully prevent a recurrence of the nausea and sedation side effects while increasing results. We'll see how it goes.
Other than listening to him try to discourse with the receptionist, and wondering briefly what he does for a living (he was dressed in khaki's, white button down, tie, jacket, and fedora type hat...any guesses?), Clinic Visit #2 was business as usual:
Told receptionist I was there to see RL, went back to the tiny waiting room, RL came and got me, filled out 2 page survey, was asked the same questions as last time, sent back to tiny waiting room, waited 30 minutes, Nurse came to get me, asked me about side effects, gave me my samples, sent me on my way.
Nurse changed me from 10mg Lexapro a day to 15mg Lexapro. Which means I get to use a pill cutter every two days to cut a 10mg tablet into a 5mg tablet. She says she's taking me up only 5mg to hopefully prevent a recurrence of the nausea and sedation side effects while increasing results. We'll see how it goes.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Days 11-14 (Lexapro) aka I suck at updating
I guess the lack of motivation has gotten the better of me the last few days. At least lack of motivation to blog.
This weekend I did some fun things, had some good times, and got to see my sister. All in all a good weekend. I enjoyed the things I did, but probably not as much as I made myself act like I did.
I've gotten way too good at that.
I finally got a work schedule. I'm happy that I am going to have an income, but dreading actually working. I'm hoping I can handle it. Hoping I don't have a breakdown.
Being alone late at night is the worst.
Am thankfully still managing to lose weight despite starting the Lexapro and not going to the Y. ever. I joined and that's the last time I have been. Need to fix that.
This is really scattered...but the side effects are all but gone so I don't have anything specifically medicine related to touch on, so it's emotional and mental babble. weeeeee!
weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated
possible medication side effects: sedation
This weekend I did some fun things, had some good times, and got to see my sister. All in all a good weekend. I enjoyed the things I did, but probably not as much as I made myself act like I did.
I've gotten way too good at that.
I finally got a work schedule. I'm happy that I am going to have an income, but dreading actually working. I'm hoping I can handle it. Hoping I don't have a breakdown.
Being alone late at night is the worst.
Am thankfully still managing to lose weight despite starting the Lexapro and not going to the Y. ever. I joined and that's the last time I have been. Need to fix that.
This is really scattered...but the side effects are all but gone so I don't have anything specifically medicine related to touch on, so it's emotional and mental babble. weeeeee!
weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated
possible medication side effects: sedation
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Days 9 & 10 (Lexapro)
Blaaaaaaaaaah.
This is how I feel.
This is how I have felt the last two days.
I want my work schedule.
I want my roommate to stop ragging me about my dog when I put up with her dog 12 of ever 24 hours and she only puts up with mine 1 or 2. When I have cleaned up more of her dogs messes than I will ever ask her to clean up of mine.
I want to stop spending all day on the computer and in front of the tv because I don't feel like finding anything else to do.
I want it to be tomorrow already because I will get to see my sister and hang out with my friends and my family and generally try to have a great weekend.
Still feeling really "sedated."
No nausea to speak of, which is a pleasant change.
Just wish there were more pleasant changes.
weight: 193
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated
possible medication side effects: sedation
This is how I feel.
This is how I have felt the last two days.
I want my work schedule.
I want my roommate to stop ragging me about my dog when I put up with her dog 12 of ever 24 hours and she only puts up with mine 1 or 2. When I have cleaned up more of her dogs messes than I will ever ask her to clean up of mine.
I want to stop spending all day on the computer and in front of the tv because I don't feel like finding anything else to do.
I want it to be tomorrow already because I will get to see my sister and hang out with my friends and my family and generally try to have a great weekend.
Still feeling really "sedated."
No nausea to speak of, which is a pleasant change.
Just wish there were more pleasant changes.
weight: 193
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated
possible medication side effects: sedation
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