Clinic Visit #1/ Day 8 (Lexapro)

Today was the first of my weekly clinic visits. I will be going in every week (apparently every Tuesday if my schedule stays the same), to fill out a questionnaire, answer a research tech's (aka "research lady") questions, answer questions for a nurse (not sure how consistent the nurse is going to be, so I shall put off giving them a code name for now), get my meds for the week and go.

Research Lady (hereafter known as RL) had the day off today, so I got to see Research Dude. "Dude" because he looked like a surfer dude and seemed more nervous about asking me the questions than I was about answering them. Or maybe he wasn't so much nervous as putting on a great display of what spending 4 years of undergrad and 2 of grad school (maybe more?) in a lab with other science nerds does to your social skills. But that is besides the point.

I found out today that I am a white 1inch 3-ring binder. There is a tab for each week of this part of the study. Behind each tab is where all my answers to the questions week to week will be recorded. Research dude said that if I get through this part of the study I get a bigger binder. Lord knows how big my binder will be if I make it to part 3 of the study.

But Research Dude (RD) assured me that they use recycled paper, so I guess I don't have to worry about the impact this study has on my carbon footprint just yet. ;-)

I got to find all this out because apparently I answer questions more quickly than RD expected, and had a bunch of time to kill before the Nurse was ready to see me. So we chatted akwardly for bit, he sent me out to the waiting room again, and then brought me back in to chat awkardly for another 5 minutes before the nurse finally came and got me.

Apparently the Lexapro isn't helping as much (or at all really) as they like to see in the first week, so Nurse asked me if I wanted to go from my 10mg to a higher dose. However, she recommended since I am experiencing nausea and exhaustaion (a side effect they call "sedation" lol...both of which should taper off the longer I take the drug) to wait a week and then raise the dose so as to prevent having further side effects. So that is what I am doing.

The worst part of the whole process is coming into the clinic and leaving. It's located in one part of a big medical complex, and the suite it is in is clearly marked "psyciatric services" right across from the reception desk for the "breast health" center. So the ladies who see breast cancer patients all day watch me walk into the "psychiatric services" suite, as do any business suited guys who happen to be walking down the hall from some other part of the building. So I enter the waiting room, which may or may not have a variety of people in various stages of distress in it. I tell the receptionist I'm here for a research appointment, whe validates my parking ticket, and I am sent back to a different, more tiny, waiting room. Last week I got to hear a girl have a half whispered breakdown while her mother tried to comfort her.

After the whole process is over I take the walk to the patient exit. All of the questions I have been asked replay in my mind, and I start thinking about why I am there, why I'm depressed, and what it has done to me. Part of me feels like I don't belong here, with the sobbing and the sedated, while another part of me knows all too well that I need this. It starts welling up, and I get to fight with it all the way home to regain some kind of "normal."

God, I hope that part gets better.

weight: 193
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating
possible medication side effects: nausea, sedation

Day 7 (Lexapro)

Stayed home all day today. It took me all day to do laundry. Because I'd put in a load...forget about it...remember it...not want to go downstairs and change it...finally decide to change the load...repeat.

This was after I slept for like 12 hours. ridiculous.

Hoping the medicine and a steady work schedule will eventually help even out my sleep habits and get me into some kind of motivational rhythm.

The nausea is definitely lessening. Still get little twinges of it, but overall it has stopped making me avoid eating normally. so that's good.

Have a clinic visit tomorrow. Will make sure to tell them about the nausea, the tiredness, and the food chewing thing.


I need to go out and take pictures, or start a painting, or something. anything. I need to get out of this tvwatchinginternetsurfing funk. I need to create. To bring myself out of myself. We'll see if I can.

weight: 193
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation
possible medication side effects: nausea, exhaustion

Days 4, 5 & 6 (Lexapro)

For days 4 and 5 you can pretty much "ditto" day 3. Fake happy at work, exhausted when I hit home, and a little nausea thrown in.

Day 5 was a little different because after my last day of training, hockey and alcohol were involved. Went to a hockey game with my best friend and her boy, and got to watch a lot of fights, and my team one. So that was pretty great. Then we met my cousin & her hubby at a pub and had some drinks and good conversation.

A quote from me from last night: "I'm a really cheap date on an SSRI!"

Apparently another side effect of Lexapro is that it greatly increases the effects of alcohol. After two drinks I felt as drunk as the times I've had about 6 drinks. so that was in interesting discovery. Will have to be more aware of how much I drink, and when, where, and who I drink it with.

Today has been a really lazy day. Sitting around in my pajamas, watchin nip/tuck with my BF and her boy, and loving on my puppy dog.

I just feel lonely.

Not because I am alone. Not because the people I am with don't involve me or don't care about me. Because that is definitely not the case.

Maybe isolated would be a better term. Isolated in my own feelings. Isolated in my own mind.

Isolated because I'm tired of hurting and being hurt.

It's why I cling to what I know, because at least I know how that feels. I know what to expect.

weight: 193
depression symptoms: faking it, feeling isolated, feeling "blue", easily irritated
possible medication side effects: nausea, exhaustion, low alcohol tolerance

Day 3 (Lexapro)

Pretending to be really happy all day is not so much great for my depression. I didn't think about that when I was looking for a job. It's exhausting. But it's easy to do. It's easy to pretend that everything is great, life is great, and slap on a big smile. Doing it as part of a job makes it easier to do it as part of everyday life.

So if you saw me today you would have thought I was quite happy, and to be honest, I couldn't tell you that I felt otherwise. Because I turn off my emotions when I put on that happy face. Everything gets surface level, scripted, automatic. It's why I make such a damn good customer service person. I'm a fantastic actress.

Maybe the Lexapro (or, more likely, Lexapro + other med) will make it so I don't have to throw up the happy facade. Maybe one day I'll walk into work and be conversational with clients because I feel conversational. Maybe I'll greet them with enthusiasm because I am enthusiastic, not because it's in my job description.

So no mental/emotional report today. Cause at work was all fake, and right now is the after work crash.

I did have some nausea today, made it hard to do my tasting menu at training.

And I'm currently exhausted.

weight: 193
depression symptoms: faking it.
possible medication side effects: nausea, exhaustion

Day 2 (Lexapro)

I realized today that there was one thing they asked me that I didn't answer completely truthfully. They asked if there was anything that I had the urge to do all the time, or a certain number of times (like wash my hands, lock the doors, etc.). It's not something I have to do a certain number of times, but I do have to make sure that I chew food evenly on both sides of my mouth. If I don't, it makes me feel weird. And I have to clean out my teeth until both sides feel even again. So I don't really know if that's something they were talking about...but I may tell them that next week just to make sure. They asked me a lot of questions that sounded like they relate to schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, so I think they are trying to see if people who are diagnosed with depression and don't respond well to SSRI's may have underlying symptoms of those disorders (which the medication they are actually testing is currently used to treat).

Aside from that realization, nothing that interesting to report. Just a pretty average day (as far as what my average has been the last 2 years).

Had some nausea today, but definitely not as severe as yesterday. I may try to take the pill with something to eat or some milk tomorrow to see if that helps. I think it's weird that it lasts all day though. Starting a couple hours after I take the Lexapro, and I still feel a bit of it now. but like I said, not nearly as bad as it was yesterday.

Also still feeling really tired. Tried to go to bed early (11ish) last night, but couldn't fall asleep til about 2am. May be because of the candy we bought yesterday? Maybe just insomnia, since I get it every once in a while. But I got up at 8 to go to orientation for my new job. Got out around 10:30, came back and tried to nap. Maintenance came by to do our apartment inspection around 11, so I didn't actually get to nap til about 12, and ended up sleeping til 1:30. Feeling pretty tired now. Will try to sleep after I write this, but I'm afraid I'll have insomnia again. Like my body is tired but my mind is wide awake. Maybe just all the excitement of starting a new job and starting this study.

weight: 193
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, abnormally tired, insomnia
possible medication side effects: nausea, exhaustion, insomnia

Day 1 (Lexapro)

Took my first Lexapro today. Not stupid enough to expect any results emotionally or mentally the first day. It'll probably take about a week before I get any of that starting. However, side effects can start showing today. Let's hope I don't end up like this guy:



So today I was a pretty average depression day. Didn't get overly sad about anything in particular, just a down feeling, a feeling that if I let myself I could get overwhelmed by sadness for no reason at all. So I tried not to dwell, tried to distract myself with games and tv and whatnot. Just tried to live like I have been the past couple of years.

Easily irritated. Got really frustrated with my mother for not being able to find a photo online after I gave her the order of links to click to find it. Also annoyed that one of my roommates needed me to take her dog out. I don't know why, as it's not a big deal at all. It just annoyed me. yeah, so easilly irritated it is. But that's is how it's been for a long time now, so I know it's part of the depression and not a medication side effect.

I've been nauseous most of the day. no vomiting or anything, just a nauseous feeling. I didn't eat much at dinner because of it. Also had some GI problems. So that could all be medicine related, or could be somethinig I ate yesterday. We'll see.

Also have been really sleepy. Got 8 hours of sleep last night...but was really tired around 2...so I ended up napping until 4. Then I was still tired. Pretty tired now, so after I finish this post I'll go to bed.

weight: 193
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", easily irritated, lack of motivation, abnormally tired
possible medication side effects: nausea, diarhea, exhaustion

About the Study

I'm a guinea pig. A lab rat. A test subject.

I am 22 years old, female, Caucasian, and have clinical depression.

I was on Prozac for about 5 months, but instead of making me feel better about myself and raising my motivation, it made me feel completely apathetic. I wasn't sad, but I also wasn't functioning. So in February of this year (2008) I took myself off of Prozac. I have not had any sort of treatment for my depression since then.

Last week I saw a commercial about a study on depression that was looking for participants.
I e-mailed them.
They called me.
I had my first evaluation.
I'm in the study.

Here's the information about the study I have entered as posted on an information website:


Are you currently depressed? This is a study using an add-on treatment to see if it may reduce your symptoms of depression. We will watch to see how you do on an SSRI. Then we may add another medication to boost its effects.
If this study is right for you, you may receive at no cost:

• study medications
• physical exam
• 20 clinic visits
• and other study related procedures.

The study lasts up to 16 months. This study is funded by the National Institute of Mental Health. Participants needed: Depressed men and women age 18 – 80
Compensation: Services above at no cost
Visits: 20 visits over 16 months


and here is my version of the study, from what "Research Lady" told me over the phone:


The study is in 3 phases.

The first phase: I have a long psychiatric evaluation (check!). If they think I am a good fit for the study they send me home with a depression medication called Lexapro (check!). I'll be on this medication for 10 weeks in the first phase, and each week I will have an appointment where they see how I am doing on the medication. If the Lexapro works great for me over the 10 weeks then they will help me find a way to continue taking the Lexapro outside of the study (through a doctor they get me in contact with, or whatever). If the Lexapro isn't doing as much for me as it should, they I will enter phase 2 of the study.

Phase 2: they do some physical tests (like an EKG, blood tests, etc) to make sure I don't have any physical causes of my depression, and if I don't they add either a placebo or a medicine called Geodon to my dose of Lexapro. Geodon is currently used for bipolar disorder and schitzophrenia, but they are testing to see if it helps people who aren't responding to regular depression medications. I stay on that combo for 10 weeks, with the same weekly visits to see how it is working. If the combo works for me, they I enter phase 3.

Phase 3: I continue taking the combo as part of the study for a year, with a monthly visit to make sure it is still working well for me.

I can withdrawl from the study at any time, and they also reserve the right to withdrawl me from the study if they think it is in my best interest. All of the evaluations, procedures, and medications involved in the study are free.


This blog is for me. It is for me to be honest about how I am feeling each day to see how the medicine is affecting me. But I invite you to come along. Follow me. Encourage me. Tell me if you see patterns in thoughts or behaviors that I may not see. Help me be the best guinea pig I can be.