I'm Randomized!!

So it happened Wednesday. I got randomized! I am now officially on a drug that in all reality I don't know what the little plastic capsules contain. It could either be placebo, or it could be Ziprasidone (aka Geodon). I'm hope hope hoping that it's the real stuff, and that it is magical.

But I'm also trying to remain skeptical about it being the real stuff, in hopes that being somewhat skeptical will reduce the placebo effect? It makes sense in my head, which is where this stuff is supposed to be working, so that's a start, right?

My cousin asked me over lunch today how they measure if it's working. "Is it subjective?" I kind of looked at her funny and said "well, I suppose it is, because depression is pretty subjective anyways, isn't it? There's really not a way to measure it." So I told her about the questionnaires and such that I fill out every week. yes, subjective. but depression is feeling. it's not a number on a scale, or a count of something in my blood. It's not a "positive" or "negative" on a strip dipped in urine. It's how I feel minute to minute, day to day, week to week. But it's still real.

Speaking of blood and urine...getting randomized means somebody had to check that stuff out to make sure there wasn't something physical causing depression symptoms. I'm not exactly sure what kind of physical stuff does cause depressions symptoms, but whatever it is I guess I don't have it. I got to have an EKG and lab work done to prove it.

I also got to have the most.awkward.physical.ever. There are three nurse practitioners that I see, one each week just depending on whose schedule fits when I am scheduled to come in. Two of them are women, who are nice and professional about everything, though not as nice as RL. Then there is guy nurse. The awkward one I talked about in my last post. (yeah, I know it's been forever since I posted. I got apathetic. I got to where I just felt the same all the time and didn't feel like writing anything. so there.) well, as luck would have it, HE's the one who administered my physical. lol. I wasn't awkward in that omgyouaretryingtomolestme kind of way, but in that okayseriouslyiknowyouarenottryingtomolestmequitovercompensating kind of way. "I'm going to touch your face now." "I'm going to check your lyph nodes" etc. Plus I hadn't shaved my legs for a couple of weeks, so I was a wee bit embarassed about that anyways.

But as far as I know I got a clean bill of health. huzzah. also, I am not pregnant. which I am sure is a relief for all of us, seeing as another immaculate conception would be kind of awkward.

So now I feel like an old person, in that I need a pill keeper with a "morning" and "night" compartment for each day of the week so I can remember to take all these damn pills. Right now the count is as follows:

1 birth control pill whenever
2 10mg lexapro pills whenever
2 10mg mystery pills one in the morning and one at night

The other day I missed a day of birth control so I had to take 2 at once. I popped 5 pills into my mouth at one time. yeah. I'm pro.

weight: 196 (hey, holidays happened, and I'm 193.5 on the doctor scale, so that's the one that counts, right?)
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, lack of energy, uninterested in activities and people
possible medication side effects: dunno yet